Valentines

Today, not unlike most days, I sobbed over my coffee.  I'm so tired.  The little girl in me that wanted to be a mother had no idea that she would feel like a failure more days than not.  I thought I would be the world's greatest mom.  The one that helped in class, made all the treats, nailed the valentines, birthday parties, basically won the trophy...every.day.  But that's not how it's going.  I feel like a failure. A. LOT.  I am struggling to raise 4 very 'strong willed' children to become actual adults someday and I am worried. 

I look back and remember my sweet sweet babies and I realize how fast time is going.  I want to enjoy all of these moments because I know in just a blink they will be gone.  But it is HARD.  It is hard to navigate each new day and new territory. 

I have LOADS of guilt for going back to work.  This is new territory for our family.  I have been working for a few years, but until October, I worked mostly from home.  Now being gone, the nights are shorter as the homework gets longer (and honestly they don't even have that much...yet).  We miss out on too many snuggles and too many bedtime stories.  I feel too rushed in each moment and it is hard to slow down. 

Each day I wake up and I send my valentines, MY HEARTS, out the door to school and I am not sure we are all prepared for what comes next.  Raising children in this world is a scary thing.  We live in a small town, but I still live in fear for their safety. 

All I can do, All any of us can do is Trust in Him.  Trust that God has a plan for us.  Trust that he will protect our children in His way.  So Please Jesus, watch over my valentines...today and everyday.  Please help Bobby and me to take care of them and raise them to seek you first.  Please help us to remember that they belong to you.  And please help us to remember each small success and victory, because these days can seem so hard and bog us down and sometimes we forget to see all of the unconditional love, honesty, and sweetness in the little things.

May

Well, it's here. That time of year again that I dread with every ounce of my soul.  May is my least favorite month of the year.  This year marks seven years without my mom and seven years without my grandma, who passed just 4 weeks after her.  May brings budding trees, and Mother's Day, and grief.  So. much. grief.  Every year I prepare myself.  I start counting my blessings, I make plans and start projects, I begin to dream about summer and the sweet time off with my babies, but the grief always finds it's way into my heart.  It is so heavy.

I have been BEYOND blessed in the last seven years.  I was given 3 more precious babies.  We were given a chance to move home and to be near my family and my husband's family...My cousins have had many babies, my grandpa has 30+ great grandchildren.  So many blessings, but the grief is so very heavy.  It wears on all of us.  Time has changed my grief, but it has not healed or erased it.  I have learned how to live with the emptiness.  I have learned how to continue to move on those days when moving hurts and being awake brings pain.  I have learned how to look at my babies and my husband in the saddest moments and just be.   The grief hasn't lessened.  But the reality of how to live with my bad days, my saddest moments, has been learned.   I have learned that this hole in my heart will never be filled, but I have learned to be thankful in my deepest grief.  My momma was one of my life's greatest blessings and I will always carry this emptiness...until one day.  One day when I am able to see her again.

I remember so vividly talking with my mom the week before she went to heaven.  She was so excited about my upcoming visit with my husband and our baby Jack from Texas.  She said our visit was her Mother's Day present.  She was excited because the trees were budding and they would probably have leaves when we came to visit.  She was in her garden and exclaimed that she saw a bluebird.  As she described her spring to me, I could only imagine her surrounded by her blooming garden with bluebirds, and I couldn't help but think of Snow White.  Such a funny thing to remember!  But imagining her in her garden now is the way I want to remember her...

My Mom and my Grandma were truly amazing women.  They are both an inspiration to me as a woman, mother, wife, and child of God.   They always put others above themselves.  They were positive, loving, gracious, forgiving, and forgiving...  My life would not be what it is without them.

I am thankful.  I have been so blessed.  But this grief is. so. heavy.

 "Keep me in your prayers always.  Also for grandpa for the strength to bear what will come-  God's will be done.  I believe and am blessed.  Always have been!  Grandma Joyce" 

36

Well, here it is...my first post.  At least, the first published post.  I have finally decided to stop being afraid, stop worrying about if it's good enough, and to just put it out there.  This is all happening at an eye opening time for me.  Yesterday (April 9) was my 36th birthday.  Just a number, right?  Well, I decided it was more than that for me, it was the start of a new year of my life!  A new year.  I have a very blessed life with my amazing best friend and husband Bobby and our four adorable and definitely insane children:  Jack, Wyatt, Elijah, and Piper.  I have recently (February 5) started my own business (LuLaRoe) and I am trying to figure out what it all means.

I just got home from LuLaRoe's Inspire Tour and Training. This, being my birthday weekend, was the perfect time for me to be inspired and do some soul searching.  At this training, I let myself in...I allowed myself to be open, I stopped rolling my eyes at all the impossibles.  You guys, I "drank the kool-aid" and it was delicious.  Friends, let me tell you, not only was it delicious, but it was life changing!  

My husband is a dreamer.  He has lots of great ideas, big dreams, and crazy plans.  He often comes to me with new dreams for our family.  Bobby has a great job and he is great at it.  He goes to work everyday to support us.  We made the decision when we had children that I would be a stay-at-home mom.  He has been the sole financial support of this family for nine years.  He has dreams...So many times he comes to me with ideas and plans (actual, doable plans) to live out these dreams and so many times I talk about how we have 4 kids, a mortgage, student loans, blah, blah.  He has lovingly nicknamed me "DC...Dream Crusher."  But I'm just being realistic and practical, right?  I mean something will come up and dreams are just dreams...not reality. 

At this Inspire Tour we were asked to write down our dreams.  It even went further and we were supposed to write down our dreams if money wasn't an issue...you know, OUR BIGGEST DREAMS we could dream.  We were given markers to write these dreams on sheets of paper on the walls of this conference.  The sad news.  I drew a blank.  Of course I want the obvious things most people want...health, happiness, security for our kids, but when it came to great big dreams, I just drew a blank.  This made me so very sad.  Had I spent so much of my life being "realistic and practical" that I had forgotten how to dream?  Why would God put me on this earth and bless me with this amazing family?  What is my purpose, what is my dream?  As I watched these women frantically writing their dreams on the conference room walls, I. Had. Nothing.  

When I started LuLaRoe, I was challenged to think of my "why."  What was my motivator in this business?  Well, that was easy for me.  My family was at the core of it all.  My husband and my kids are the reason that I get up each day and they are the reason I want to do extra to give them extra opportunities.  After the dream exercise, I realized my "why" was so much more than that.  My "why" was to find my dreams again, to show my children how to really, truly, follow their dreams, to dream big, not to lose themselves in the practical reality, but to be more like their dad...always dreaming.  

God has blessed me beyond measure in this life and I am certain that I will be taken care of, even when if the tough gets going.   I know where my faith is and where I fix my eyes...  So why not dream?  Why not take a chance on me?  Why not try my hardest in this new opportunity?  I will always be responsible but I am creating new dreams and setting new goals to reach those dreams.  I want to inspire our children to always dream.  Deciding our dreams are too big before we try to reach them is the surest way to be defeated.  So friends, I am all in, I am dreaming big and reaching up and giving it all I have. Praying 36 will be my best year yet!  
Hugs, Raissa